Everybody Knows You Cried Last Night

It is so so so so so painful to see somebody you love in distress. It's even more painful to not be able to show the weakness you're feeling, and to have to be strong instead. And when the problem is the death of a loved one, and there's clearly nothing you can do, it's even worse, because you would actually prefer to have to bite off, chew and swallow each one of your fingers rather than sit there and oh so obviously not be able to do anything for anybody.

I thought that, by mentally keeping my distance from the reality of an inevitable situation, I would be a help to the person that needed me. Instead, I was overwhelmed with grief and often would have to shift all my energy from a blackly negative form back into a positive one, which was exhausting. I had to stifle bout after bout of sobs and cries.

It wasn't the fact that I was at a funeral, and somebody had gone. It was the fact that nearly every face I saw that day was one I had come to know and care about over the past few months, and each one was glistening with tears and clearly racked with despair. And it was heartbreaking to think that, these people, who I had only ever experianced in a jolly, ecstatic, humerous form, could be so defeated by something that no body, no matter how hard anyone tries, can help in the slightest. Watching them grieve over the death of a loved one, with time being the only promise of emotional recovery.

I guess you never know how much you love somebody until you see them in a vulnerable form, and realise that you love them even more than you did before, and more than you thought possible. Even then, your revelation baffles you and you still dont fully comprehend what's going on inside your heart and your head.

All I have learned since Thursday (today being Sunday) , is that, I'm a useless softie who can't control her emotions, just like everybody else deep down. I've also learned that I would do anything for someone, who, this time last year, I didn't even know.

Thank God for fate, and curse it at the same time.